Stupid Mental Health Walks & Sunsets

Sunday, February 18th

Monday, February 19th

Tuesday, February 20th

First, here’s the Stupid Mental Health Walk song [this will open in youtube],which I also sing in my head as Stupid Mental Health Skate, which is actually what helped me back to the rink. When you’re reluctant to do the thing sometimes being a crabby butthole about it can help, or at least that’s my experience.

Anxiety, autistic burnout, and agoraphobia are are a hell of a combo and often really hard to talk about. I feel like a walking/skating contradiction. I’m generally in good spirits and I get up and do things every day, but I can go days without leaving my home. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I do go out to the skating rink, but it can be kind of a nightmare (very crowded, very loud—I “protect” myself with a bucket hat, sunglasses, and earplugs, but even those things don’t always keep the sensory ick from seeping in). Recently I’ve started going to the grocery store weekly instead of relying on someone else to do it (bucket hat, sunglasses, and earplugs come to the rescue once more, as well as an organized list and a growing familiarity with the store layout), and this week I added a “stupid mental health walk” to my intent to actually get outside every day. Three days in a row! I go around sunset and I take a couple of pictures to prove to myself that I got out there and did it.

Sometimes I feel ashamed about how long I’ve spent cooped up and how little I feel able to do compared to past years. Like I used to play derby, I used to go for long runs, I used to work with the public, I used to go to school—but all of the autistic masking it took to do those things means that in the last few years I’ve become really withdrawn in a way that makes me feel anxious about connecting with people even online in low-stakes environments, like a friendly discord for a podcast I love or the social app for my church, or even texting my one or two friends (Bre and Sebrina, the real MVPs). But healing—from anything—isn’t linear. I can’t be disappointed in myself for going through a dormant period. Nobody is mad at me for being like this, and I couldn’t be mad at anyone else for it, so why should I be hard on myself or afraid to talk about it?

I’m trying, in my various small ways, and here are my pictures to show that I am. If you’re having a hard time trying with life too, or going through your own kind of burnout, I’m proud of you, friend. Times are tough and the world is scary. Self-care isn’t always easy—it’s not all baths and face masks and eight-hour video game marathons. Sometimes it’s building habits back in a way that accommodate you (like going to the grocery store and keeping the kitchen clean on a daily basis) and going on stupid mental health walks. So give yourself a high-five for what you’re able to do and know that we’re in this together. 🌲♥️