First of all, fuck whatever “blogs” are supposed to be, I’m bringing back the online journal. That’s what this is now. I was on LiveJournal, kids. The roots are deep, and who am I to deny them?
Second, I began a new patient-doctor relationship today, and I wouldn’t really go talking about that on the internet (lies, I’d totally tweet about it) except that… this doctor also has ADHD. And she didn’t give me a) any shit for being fat or b) any kind of runaround about medication. Like, at all. I’m crying as I type this stupid thing because I feel like the last two years of productive life were trapped under glass because of a stubborn doctor who only saw my fat and kept finding other things to treat that weren’t my stupid fucking brain. And now I finally get in to see the doctor everyone told me would be great and… she was? And understanding? And also made sure to tell me that if I had to leave a message for her it wouldn’t ever be a bother?
I don’t actually get the medicine until Thursday because I missed a text message from the pharmacy (typical fucking me), but… I’m excited. Warily so. Excited with some side-eye.
The other reason I’m crying is because—okay, this is going to be weird but bear with me. So for some reason today I got an itch to listen to Toxicity by System of a Down, which I did, and sang along to, many many times (as I am wont to do with a song I just need to hear). Of course that led down the rabbit hole of finding a set of chords for it because I play ukulele (yes, I’m a twee broad with a tiny guitar that looks even tinier in her big ol’ hands) and want to learn basically every song I know, so I’ve been noodling away at the fingerpicking pattern all evening. And of course with everything on my mind today from going to the doctor and everything, the big blaring refrain of “disorder! Disorder! Disorrrrderrrr!” (which is incredibly satisfying to belt along to) made me think of ADHD; not just that part, but the way the song switches between gentle and crunchy, kindly observant and completely overwhelmed, to say nothing of the lyric somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep. Cut to a little later when I’m trying to find a different set of chords just to see something, and there was a related search result: “is Toxicity about ADHD?”
And I think, what are the odds? and click through, and see that guitarist and songwriter Daron Malakian, at least one time, described the song as being about ADD/ADHD. I haven’t really found anything to back it up except for this post about ADHD Awareness Month from 2020 that includes a link to a live performance, so there isn’t like, a big revelatory interview or article I can point you towards if the concept interests you, but for me it was just an immediate click of sense-making in my soul. Duh, of course this is about ADHD. I can hear it in the song. I can feel it. It brings me to tears, but it’s a good thing. I really, really needed a cry today. Because I struggle so much and it feels like I achieve so little. I know I’m useful and I know that I’m cared for but I still feel like this awkward fucking alien clown who is constantly stuck in a hell-loop of non-achievement, mentally reliving social mistakes and misunderstood social cues, and failing to be productive—while everyone else gets on with the business of living, seemingly knowing exactly where they’re supposed to be and what they’re supposed to be doing.
So that’s where I am today. Having a hard time accepting that I have limitations and that not being able to do things doesn’t make me a horrible burdensome void. I know it will pass, and I’m just feeling a little blue. It helps to share it with you, person on the other side of the screen, and if you are also ADHD as fuck and also experience these overwhelming mood-flares, I hope that my sharing helps. Anyway, I’m not making any blog-type promises BUT I actually do have books to report back on and vibes to share, so I’ll be back by Thursday or Friday with those. Nighty-night, pals, and take care of yourselves. ♥️
Cosmic’s Read-o-Rama 